A long time coming

(As a stipulation to this blog post: I am not writing this to get back at, criticize, or offend anyone. If you are hurt or offended by this post, know that it was not my intention and that I am sorry. To my friends and family, I hope you know that I love you all greatly. You are very important to me and I do not know what I would do without you. This post however, will help you understand me better, and I hope you will give me that chance. I am writing this post for myself, for my own mental sanity. So please bear with me.)

I have been thinking about this topic for a very long time now; particularly, when it is best to share with others and how it is best to share with others. I have also postponed the discussion of this topic in the hope that it will no longer be a problem, but we do not feel that we can keep it to ourselves any longer. Secretly, I hoped this blog would be the outlet I needed to clear my heart, and now I am taking the leap of faith that it is. Even as I write this, I question if it is the right thing to do, but today I feel inspired so I won't back down. I may not write this the most eloquently, but at least I'm writing.

Jeremy and I are struggling with infertility.

I lead a very private life, so to many of you this is a surprise (don't feel bad, it is a surprise to most of my family as well). However, after much prayer and fasting we have felt that our struggle will be less painful in the open. I appreciate all of you who politely didn't ask us when we were planning to start our family. And to those who did, do not feel bad, I'd like to think that you asked because you think we will be great parents. We also would like to think that we will be great parents and cannot wait until the day when we have that opportunity.

So, if I have seemed like a very aloof or poor friend for the past year and a half, now you know why. I cannot describe to you the pain of even leaving the house for an act as simple as going to work, church, or school. Every child I see reminds me of the gaping whole I have in my life. Every pregnant woman I see reminds me of the joyous opportunities that are evading Jeremy and I. However, I do want to openly apologize to all my friends that felt shunned or snubbed in any way, it was not my intention, and I am deeply sorry. To all the women whose baby showers I missed I also apologize, but even the simple act of buying a gift for a baby is excruciating, and being at a baby shower is one of the toughest things I can even think to do in this moment, but that does not mean that I don't love you. To our friends and family who also struggle with infertility, you are in our thoughts and prayers, we also do not in any way mean to make light of your struggle (which may be longer than ours has been), we just feel like this is the right step for us.

I'm not really sure exactly what to share, I don't want to offend anyone, but I feel like I should share a few facts about where we are at. After trying for a year, we began to seek medical treatment. I have a strong family history of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, so doctors believe that is what I suffer from. As with most medical treatment, they start you out with the easiest and cheapest in hopes that that will work before progressing to more invasive and expensive treatment. Currently I am taking medication that makes me incredibly sick some days, but I would gladly suffer much more than this to hold "my" infant in my arms.

I know that many of you may feel very unsure about how to deal with this information or even treat me now, and for that, I am sorry. I read a very touching and useful article today, however; that I highly encourage everyone to read. Millions of couples suffer from infertility in this life, probably some that you interact with every day and have no idea. I know that for me, if some people had read this article before interacting with me, I would not have gone home and cried for hours. In addition, the article makes the struggle of infertility so easy to understand. Honestly, I feel like my feelings were reflected perfectly in everything this article said. The article is called Infertility Etiquette, and here is the link http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie.

This trial we are currently going through has tested our faith in ways we never imagined. Nevertheless, I testify to each of you that your Heavenly Father loves you. I testify of his great power to bless your lives. The power of the atonement is miraculous, and I yearn for the day when I can understand completely its power in my life. I testify that through our Heavenly Father we can truly find peace. No matter what you are struggling with in your life, your Heavenly Father is there for you. Take your burden to Him and He will lighten your load. I also testify of the power of service. If you are going through a time of trial, I can recommend nothing better to you than to serve someone else. Service will help you not only help you forget your own burdens, but will bring true joy and happiness to your life. (Isn't our Heavenly Father AMAZING!)

Thank you all for your love. It is the love of my family and friends that truly keeps me going when I am questioning my entire life purpose. I wish you all the greatest joys, happiness, and desires of your heart. May Heavenly Father watch over you and bless you as he sees fit.

Registered Nurse!

I know I haven't posted in a while, but life has been a little crazy the last several weeks. I was studying like crazy to take my nursing boards, which I took on June 29th. Then we picked my parents up from the airport 2 days later and headed to Blanding for the 4th of July immediately after. We just returned home yesterday and I've been busy all day applying for jobs, because I am a registered nurse!

Let me tell you about the ordeal my nursing boards were. I was scheduled to take my test in Ogden on June 29th at 8am; however, I was told that I had to be there a half an hour early. So I had to leave my parents home in Kaysville at 6:50 to ensure I got there on time. Once I got there I had to be fingerprinted and photographed. I was not allowed to have anything in my pockets besides my drivers license; all my other belongings had to be locked in a locker. I couldn't even take my chapstick, which was the biggest struggle for me (I am a chapstick-aholic).

The test is administered on a computer, but before I could begin they had to give me a whiteboard and a marker, tissues (which I had to leave on the table and could not put in my pocket), ear plugs (they couldn't even give me the plastic package the ear plugs were in, they had to put the ear plugs in my hand), and a serious talk through. They informed and showed me that I would be video and audio recorded at my computer and that if I needed to leave the test for any reason I was not allowed to stand up on my own. I must first raise my hand and the test administrator would come and excuse me. They also explained to me that I must be fingerprinted ever time I entered or left the testing room.

I surprisingly wasn't super nervous. I was just really excited for it to be done; one way or another. The ear plugs were a hidden treasure while taking the test. Ear plugs usually are quite uncomfortable for me, and I'm not saying they weren't, but what gives me anxiety while taking tests is listening to others. When I hear the clicks of others or that other people are standing up, it makes me really anxious and feel like I should be going faster. The ear plugs drowned it all out and I was so grateful! It was really nice to have something to write on as well. The weird thing is that I wasn't even allowed to erase it, they just had to bring me a new white board.

Anyways, the test wasn't easy, I had no idea how I was doing. Two and a half hours after beginning and 75 questions later, my test ended and I left. I've heard of a lot of people who began crying when they left because they didn't think they had done well. Well, I hate to break it to anyone, but I didn't cry. I was simply very relieved.

I really had no idea when I would get my results. They had me read a paper at the testing center that said I had to wait a month, but a friend told me the people at the testing center said 2 days. So I was just determined to wait patiently. Well, it turned out I didn't have to wait very long at all. The next day I decided to just see where I would look to see if I had passed. So I got on the dopl website and found that I was a registered nurse with a license number and everything. Then on Thursday, while I was in Blanding, my license arrived in the mail.

So I am now a registered nurse. I do not have a job, but I'm still a registered nurse. However, it doesn't feel real yet. I'm excited to get a job and move on with life, but it hasn't hit me yet, that life will never go back to what it was.

I just wanted to express a special thanks to all those who were thinking of me and praying for me. I truly felt of your support. I love you all!

Sincerely,

Jeanette Raisor, RN