A long time coming

(As a stipulation to this blog post: I am not writing this to get back at, criticize, or offend anyone. If you are hurt or offended by this post, know that it was not my intention and that I am sorry. To my friends and family, I hope you know that I love you all greatly. You are very important to me and I do not know what I would do without you. This post however, will help you understand me better, and I hope you will give me that chance. I am writing this post for myself, for my own mental sanity. So please bear with me.)

I have been thinking about this topic for a very long time now; particularly, when it is best to share with others and how it is best to share with others. I have also postponed the discussion of this topic in the hope that it will no longer be a problem, but we do not feel that we can keep it to ourselves any longer. Secretly, I hoped this blog would be the outlet I needed to clear my heart, and now I am taking the leap of faith that it is. Even as I write this, I question if it is the right thing to do, but today I feel inspired so I won't back down. I may not write this the most eloquently, but at least I'm writing.

Jeremy and I are struggling with infertility.

I lead a very private life, so to many of you this is a surprise (don't feel bad, it is a surprise to most of my family as well). However, after much prayer and fasting we have felt that our struggle will be less painful in the open. I appreciate all of you who politely didn't ask us when we were planning to start our family. And to those who did, do not feel bad, I'd like to think that you asked because you think we will be great parents. We also would like to think that we will be great parents and cannot wait until the day when we have that opportunity.

So, if I have seemed like a very aloof or poor friend for the past year and a half, now you know why. I cannot describe to you the pain of even leaving the house for an act as simple as going to work, church, or school. Every child I see reminds me of the gaping whole I have in my life. Every pregnant woman I see reminds me of the joyous opportunities that are evading Jeremy and I. However, I do want to openly apologize to all my friends that felt shunned or snubbed in any way, it was not my intention, and I am deeply sorry. To all the women whose baby showers I missed I also apologize, but even the simple act of buying a gift for a baby is excruciating, and being at a baby shower is one of the toughest things I can even think to do in this moment, but that does not mean that I don't love you. To our friends and family who also struggle with infertility, you are in our thoughts and prayers, we also do not in any way mean to make light of your struggle (which may be longer than ours has been), we just feel like this is the right step for us.

I'm not really sure exactly what to share, I don't want to offend anyone, but I feel like I should share a few facts about where we are at. After trying for a year, we began to seek medical treatment. I have a strong family history of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, so doctors believe that is what I suffer from. As with most medical treatment, they start you out with the easiest and cheapest in hopes that that will work before progressing to more invasive and expensive treatment. Currently I am taking medication that makes me incredibly sick some days, but I would gladly suffer much more than this to hold "my" infant in my arms.

I know that many of you may feel very unsure about how to deal with this information or even treat me now, and for that, I am sorry. I read a very touching and useful article today, however; that I highly encourage everyone to read. Millions of couples suffer from infertility in this life, probably some that you interact with every day and have no idea. I know that for me, if some people had read this article before interacting with me, I would not have gone home and cried for hours. In addition, the article makes the struggle of infertility so easy to understand. Honestly, I feel like my feelings were reflected perfectly in everything this article said. The article is called Infertility Etiquette, and here is the link http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie.

This trial we are currently going through has tested our faith in ways we never imagined. Nevertheless, I testify to each of you that your Heavenly Father loves you. I testify of his great power to bless your lives. The power of the atonement is miraculous, and I yearn for the day when I can understand completely its power in my life. I testify that through our Heavenly Father we can truly find peace. No matter what you are struggling with in your life, your Heavenly Father is there for you. Take your burden to Him and He will lighten your load. I also testify of the power of service. If you are going through a time of trial, I can recommend nothing better to you than to serve someone else. Service will help you not only help you forget your own burdens, but will bring true joy and happiness to your life. (Isn't our Heavenly Father AMAZING!)

Thank you all for your love. It is the love of my family and friends that truly keeps me going when I am questioning my entire life purpose. I wish you all the greatest joys, happiness, and desires of your heart. May Heavenly Father watch over you and bless you as he sees fit.

Registered Nurse!

I know I haven't posted in a while, but life has been a little crazy the last several weeks. I was studying like crazy to take my nursing boards, which I took on June 29th. Then we picked my parents up from the airport 2 days later and headed to Blanding for the 4th of July immediately after. We just returned home yesterday and I've been busy all day applying for jobs, because I am a registered nurse!

Let me tell you about the ordeal my nursing boards were. I was scheduled to take my test in Ogden on June 29th at 8am; however, I was told that I had to be there a half an hour early. So I had to leave my parents home in Kaysville at 6:50 to ensure I got there on time. Once I got there I had to be fingerprinted and photographed. I was not allowed to have anything in my pockets besides my drivers license; all my other belongings had to be locked in a locker. I couldn't even take my chapstick, which was the biggest struggle for me (I am a chapstick-aholic).

The test is administered on a computer, but before I could begin they had to give me a whiteboard and a marker, tissues (which I had to leave on the table and could not put in my pocket), ear plugs (they couldn't even give me the plastic package the ear plugs were in, they had to put the ear plugs in my hand), and a serious talk through. They informed and showed me that I would be video and audio recorded at my computer and that if I needed to leave the test for any reason I was not allowed to stand up on my own. I must first raise my hand and the test administrator would come and excuse me. They also explained to me that I must be fingerprinted ever time I entered or left the testing room.

I surprisingly wasn't super nervous. I was just really excited for it to be done; one way or another. The ear plugs were a hidden treasure while taking the test. Ear plugs usually are quite uncomfortable for me, and I'm not saying they weren't, but what gives me anxiety while taking tests is listening to others. When I hear the clicks of others or that other people are standing up, it makes me really anxious and feel like I should be going faster. The ear plugs drowned it all out and I was so grateful! It was really nice to have something to write on as well. The weird thing is that I wasn't even allowed to erase it, they just had to bring me a new white board.

Anyways, the test wasn't easy, I had no idea how I was doing. Two and a half hours after beginning and 75 questions later, my test ended and I left. I've heard of a lot of people who began crying when they left because they didn't think they had done well. Well, I hate to break it to anyone, but I didn't cry. I was simply very relieved.

I really had no idea when I would get my results. They had me read a paper at the testing center that said I had to wait a month, but a friend told me the people at the testing center said 2 days. So I was just determined to wait patiently. Well, it turned out I didn't have to wait very long at all. The next day I decided to just see where I would look to see if I had passed. So I got on the dopl website and found that I was a registered nurse with a license number and everything. Then on Thursday, while I was in Blanding, my license arrived in the mail.

So I am now a registered nurse. I do not have a job, but I'm still a registered nurse. However, it doesn't feel real yet. I'm excited to get a job and move on with life, but it hasn't hit me yet, that life will never go back to what it was.

I just wanted to express a special thanks to all those who were thinking of me and praying for me. I truly felt of your support. I love you all!

Sincerely,

Jeanette Raisor, RN

A Good Thing Gone Gross

( I know this picture is fuzzy, but it is the best one I could find.)

Traditionally, you save the top of your wedding cake to eat on your first anniversary. Well, to conform with tradition, Jeremy and I did the same; however, we did not eat it on our first anniversary. It sat in my parents freezer until June 10th 2009. (We got married August 5th, 2005.) While trying to find room for some of our food in my parents freezer during the move I found our wedding cake and decided now was as good a time as any to pull it out. We knew that being almost 4 years old it would be really gross, but we vowed to give it a try anyway after it thawed out.

This is a picture of our lovely cake all wrapped up from the freezer.

Now, our wedding cake was one of the most exciting parts of our wedding. How often can you find someone to make a hexagonal cake for you. Plus, we found someone who could frost it with butter cream but make it look as seamless as fondant (cause fondant is gross). Also, it was raspberry filled, which was fantastic. It was simple but beautiful and exactly what we wanted.

This picture still shows some of the beautiful detailing that was on our cake.

Well, I got all pumped up on Sunday to break into the top of our wedding cake. I had the camera out to memorialize our experience. I took the plastic wrap off the cake and looked down to see how our cake had really held up, only to find an earwig crawling around the edge of the plate. I HATE EARWIGS! So, I started screaming and had to have someone else come and kill it. Thus, the moment was ruined and there was no way that I was going to try one bite of that cake. I didn't even have the courage to cut into it. I had Jeremy put it in a bag and take it out to the garbage immediately.

Our cake, after taking off the plastic wrap and finding an earwig. Obviously the frosting didn't hold on to the cake very well.

All in all, it was nice to reminisce about our wedding, but I wish I hadn't gotten my hopes up to have them dashed. So, to all my friends and family that partook of their previously frozen wedding cake, I hope it was a good experience; and to all who haven't had that experience yet, be sure to keep your cake where bugs can't get to it in the mean time.

Our Moving Adventure

For being the first move of our married lives, I think we did pretty well, but boy was it an adventure. Who knew that you could fit so much stuff in a tiny Aggie Village apartment. And after almost 4 years of living in the same place, cleaning EVERYTHING is not a breeze. So to commemorate our good old Aggie Village apartment here are some pictures of our move.

Our Kitchen in the packing process.

Our pile of boxes in our second bedroom.

Our second bedroom filled with stuff.

I had been slowly packing up our things since we got back from Disneyland, but once Jeremy finished work last Monday, there was a lot more to be done. Packing became even more of a challenge since we were moving into my parents house. All of our stuff fitting in their home and having room to live would have been impossible, so most of our belongings are sitting in a storage unit. Deciding what we would need in the next 3 months and what we could put in storage was a hard task (and no worries, we have already made numerous trips to our storage unit and riffled through many boxes to find things we need). It is also very hard to try and move with food. Having enough food to eat and getting everything packed becomes quite a puzzle. I applaude those who move regularly. We can say that we will never be joining you in your moving escapades, sorry.

Our completely clean and empty kitchen/front room.

Our super clean bathroom.

Our completely empty bedroom.

We made it too my parents home though, with out too much trouble thanksfully, and we are excited for the change. We were very sad to leave the great apartment that we had, the wonderful ward we attended, and our fantastic friends and family. A special thanks to all of those that helped us load the truck and clean our apartment. We would have greatly struggled without you.

It was really difficult to close the door after completing our checkout. I had no keys to get back in and knew that once I shut the door I would never see that apartment again. I'll certainly miss our high speed internet, my parents slow internet makes blogging harder.

So in closing, we will miss you Logan. Logan is where we met each other and will always have a special place in our hearts.

Us at the bus stop where we met.

A New Place To Call Home

In 5 minutes we will be checking out of our Aggie Village Apartment. It is a very bitter-sweet moment. It still hasn't hit me yet that we aren't going to live here anymore, but I'm sure it will in a week. But I wanted to say, right before we left, to all of our Logan friends...we love you guys. We really are going to miss you all. We are excited to move on even though we don't know exactly what will happen, but we are sad to leave you all. We'll come visit, we promise.
I'll post pictures of our move later.

Heartfelt Prayer and Fasting

This weekend, as it has been Fast Sunday, my extended family and I have been having a special fast for family struggling with health problems. We have been fasting for 3 of my Dad's brothers, who are all struggling with health problems, as well as my 2 new nephews.

My nephews were born to my amazing brother and sister-in-law on March 5th. They were full term, but still small. Hunter was 5lb 15oz and Logan was 4lb 10oz. We were so blessed to be able to go to Washington state to visit them over spring break, and boy are they cute. It is such an amazing experience to hold 2 tiny babies at once. Thank you Carl & Julia for letting us stay with you, even though your life was crazy, and thank you for letting us help take care of your family; we didn't want to leave.

Since their birth, Hunter & Logan have not been very good eaters, but the last month it has only gotten worse. In the past month, Hunter has gone from 7lb to 7lb 1oz and Logan has gone from 6lb 6oz to 6lb 11oz. The doctors have finally determined that the twins have a weak swallow. So every time they were trying to swallow their food, some would stay in their throat and they would breath it into their lungs. They have been in the hospital for 3 days now. They both currently have feeding tubes and will be sent home with them and could have them for up to a year.


So, our prayers are with you and your family, Carl & Julia. We wish we could be there to help you, to watch your 2 other children for you (Camille, you have no idea how lucky you are), and to make your life easier. But for now and from a distance, we'll just have to keep you in our prayers.

One Week Till Relocation

I'm sure many of you are curious as to our future plans, so I'll disclose it to you all. We've kind of been keeping it quiet because it sounds stupid, but we are actually excited.
Friday June 12th we will be moving out of Aggie Village and moving to Kaysville to live with my kind parents for a couple of months. Neither of us currently have jobs solidly lined up, but we won't make any progress with that staying here. As they say on Friends we need "the fear" to move on. Jeremy is hoping to get hired on with Modern Woodmen of America, a financial planning company in Layton, after he finishes the interview process. I take my nursing boards on the 29th of June, and as long as I pass, will hopefully find a job shortly after that.
I know you may think it lame or extremely difficult to move in with my parents, but we have prayed and pondered about this a lot and know it is what we should do (and it helps that my parents were kind enough to agree to let us stay there; thanks again mom & dad). I also love Kaysville and Jeremy has learned to love it too, and I am very excited to be back there. The ward is the one I grew up in and I'm really excited to be an adult member there. We aren't trying to be useless mooching children, we just figure that since we will not have income coming in when we move, we shouldn't have large quantities of money going out, especially in this economic climate.
So that is our plan. And here is our advertisement: to any and all friends who are in or around Kaysville, we will be moving there, and would love to hang out, so contact us, or give us your info so we can contact you.